The dark voices had been whispering their permanent sweet-nothings again. “It’s time to go,” they claim. And, “haven’t you had enough of this.”
Yeah. I have. I’ve been tired a long time.
I looked down at Pearl, strutting along with her tail wagging and mouth open in anticipation of…something. Anything. Dogs only know right now. The familiar smells of a garbage-strewn Chandler Street are her heaven on earth for that moment.
In a flash, I knew. I didn’t really want to die. I just didn’t want to live like this anymore.
Loneliness is the ultimate killer. Broken connections, missed opportunities replaying like torture porn in the cavern of memories. Chances not taken. Chances taken that resulted in…not the desired result. Love that came and went. Years that came and went, leaving only memories and less time for the future.
The dark voices had been held at bay for a while. I thought they’d left for good. I was wrong. Again.
Days, weeks go by. Routine takes over. You fill the hours doing what you think you’re supposed to do, fulfilling obligations that don’t matter much at all in the big scheme of things. The darkness encroaches from the base of your brain, a black fog slowly rolling in like storm off the ocean.
But you fight back, again. Sometimes it’s good to be a stubborn bastard. This is one of those times.
“What is it,” you ask yourself. “What the fuck do I do?”
And then you realize. You LIVE.
Your desperation isn’t to escape life. You’re desperate to feel alive again. Present and vital. NEEDED. Your desperation is to leave the unfulfilling daily grind of a career that brings little satisfaction. Your desperation is to escape the label of “underachiever” you suspect follows you through your days. Your desperation is to make true the dreams that keep you up at night, wondering when you’ll ever make them happen, if you’re ever truly capable.
So you write out a plan. You take action every single day. This is more important than anything else. And you share your darkness too, for exposing it to light diminishes it.
And you go on.
